SafeHaven

Honestly, most of my childhood is just a blur. Going to school is hazy. All i know is that people at school didn’t like me. For good reason too. I was a complete bitch 3rd-10th grade. I don’t remember basically anything from elementary school, except that one time I got into a fight with a boy on the bus. He slammed my ankle on the bottom of the bus seat, which if you’ve ever ridden a school bus, you know that it’s just a metal bar. It hurt, but I barely felt it. To this day I will always remember the hot blinding rage that I felt. I ended up turning to him and grabbing his backpack, threw all his stuff out of the moving bus window, and then grabbing his neck and slamming his head into the window. I will always remember the scream that came out of him. Blood trickling down his forehead and the absolute terror in his eyes. I remember looking around at the kids on the bus. Everyone had the same exact expression on their face. Unhidden pure fear. As you can tell, I had slight anger issues. But after that day, I had a reputation. I showed no emotion but anger. Even thought that wasn’t true, that’s all anyone saw. I had plenty of friends but not because they wanted to be around me. Because they were terrified of me and my temper. I held onto the power that I felt I had on the people around me. If they were scared of me, then I could do whatever I wanted. That reputation followed me into middle school. People would bully me, but I wouldn’t let them see it got to me and I would get them back 1000 times worse. I’m not going to get into some of the things I did, because some of them are truly horrible, so I’ll let your imagination run wild. But then something changed. The summer before 8th grade, I changed. It started to get to me that everyone hated me. I started becoming depressed and realizing I was a horrible person. And I started questioning why I was on this planet if all I was going to do was hurt people. I wanted to change who I was. I started backing off but it didn’t help me. When I stopped my reign of terror, people took that as an opening to get me back for all the things that I did. I started getting openly harassed which I deserved for all of my years of hurting people. But the thing is, my depression only got worse. The people who I made stick around were finally able to leave and my family offered no support. I was completely alone. School was hell and home was hell. I had my cat, but he was the only one who would listen to me and not judge me. He would just rub his fluffy face on my hand and lick my tears away. He was my everything, but he wasn’t enough. I started hurting myself. I started attempting. I started trying to drown my pain in drugs and alcohol. My only escape was at night. I had a wood line next to my driveway that if you followed would lead you to a huge wood. Acres and acres of just nature and me. I would lay in the forest for hours at night just looking at the stars wondering what life would be if I could just start over.