SafeHaven

In my previous post I explained my anger issues and slightly touched on my depression. Here I’m going to go in depth. I have many things because of my birth mother being an alcoholic and my abusive adoptive family and past relationships. I have ADHD, OCD, complex PTSD, major depressive disorder, insomnia, social anxiety, general anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. These make my life really hard. I’m not going to say it makes my life harder than a normal person without any of these since everyone has their own struggles. However, it does make my life very complex and hard to manage. Along with my diagnosis, I experience psychosis, anger issues, suicidal ideation, and murderous ideation. I black out and things happen to me, and I do things that I do not remember. I’ve worked my entire life to help myself hold onto reality but sometimes I slip up and I make mistakes. For most of my life, I have held onto the thought that I was a horrible person. Sometimes I still believe that. I’ve tried my whole life, and all of my years of therapy, to reason with those thoughts. It’s hard though when my past still follows me and my hallucinations tell me that I can never redeem myself. At this point of my life, I’m no longer trying to redeem myself, I’m trying to build myself a future that I can look back on and actually be proud of. I’m trying to help people instead of hurting them. I’m trying to rescue people from situations that I’ve also been in. I’m extremely young, barely even starting my life, but I’ve been so much shit. Pretty much everything you can come up with, I’ve dealt with. And this post isn’t to say, “I’ve been through more than you have so feel bad for me.” This is a vent post to get out all the things I’ve been through to get it off my chest. Because like I’ve said in my previous post, I don’t have anyone I can actually talk to about this.