SafeHaven

My first boyfriend, his name was Trevor. We had known each other forever. I met him in kindergarten, and we started dating when we were 14. He understood me, more than anyone else had ever. I told him things that no one knows, I trusted him more than anyone else. I love him more than anyone else. One night, we went to a party. It was supposed to be fun. We were dancing, we were drinking a bit. Then Trevor didn’t feel good. He collapsed into my arms. I was on my knees in the middle of the dance floor, begging him to stay with me, begging someone to call an ambulance. But it was too late. He looked me in the eye and told me something I’ll never forget. “I fell in love with you, every part of you. You mean more to me than anyone and never forget who you are inside. Not what you show people, who you are. Live for me.” Then he pulled out a box from his pocket and handed it to me. I was fucking sobbing on the floor begging him, pleading with him not to leave me. That I couldn’t do this without me. He gave me one last kiss and closed his eyes. I couldn’t move, even after the paramedics took him from my arms. Even after everyone from the party left. Finally, I found the strength and went home in a daze. I sat on my bed all night, remembering all the good times I had with him. I tried to die that night. I wanted to be with him; I didn’t want to be alone. After I woke up, I was so upset. Then I opened the box he gave me. It was a bracelet that I still wear to this day. It’s a metal cuff bracelet that has music notes on it. On the inside it’s engraved with the words “were words fail, music speaks.” I was allowed to keep his phone. In it were notes upon notes about me. How to support me with my mental health, what I love, what I hate, what I pretend to hate. How much he loves me, and what he loves about me. Things I didn’t even know I did but he noticed. That bracelet meant so much to me because he knew music was my escape. I play 7 instruments, listen to all kinds of music. I speak through music. When I went through his phone, I also found a playlist he made for me. I playlist I still listen to. When he died, I went off the deep end. I completely broke. And ever since him, I’ve never loved anyone the same way. I still think about him daily, remembering what he told me. I’m choosing to live for him. And that bracelet hasn’t left my wrist for 5 years.